1. Argue the case over pensioners. No, it’s not a threat to your home, well, no more of a threat than we already have, oh you didn’t know? Well, it’s like this, pay attention. And anyway we’ve suddenly decided we’ll have a cap, and we’ll publish details after you’ve voted. There will be fine print, like not having a cap if you’re not ill but just frail, but we’ve not written it yet so can’t tell you what the fine print says. And the Winter Fuel Allowance shouldn’t go to millionaires, unless they’re Scottish millionaires, in which case we’ll have an exemption as we’re worried about the SNP. And the change to the double lock will save a lot of money, but actually won’t affect you because inflation is going over 2.5% anyway.
2. Change the subject to the IRA. 40 years ago, Corbyn may or maybe not have been previously on the editorial board of a magazine that you’ve never heard of which had a contributor who liked the IRA, OK so Corbyn wasn’t on the board then but anyway, he met Sinn Fein people even before the Queen did and that shows he was a terrorist sympathiser, and this election isn’t about Brexit and it isn’t about what we’ll do, it’s about stopping Corbyn, that’s why we called it three years early, see?
3. Change the subject to Brexit. That’s what the election is about, dammit. Stop trying to talk about other stuff, like our manifesto. We shall insist on something, though we can’t exactly say what, and we’ll be firm and fierce just like 52% of you, and we may agree to pay megabillions but we reserve the right to put your taxes up to pay for it, and no, we won’t say how much.
Anyway, vote Conservative because we’re strong and stable like you’ve seen this week and we have a positive message and aren’t negative like Labour with their better NHS funding and more low-cost housing and protection for schools and abolition of student fees, who needs that stuff?
What’s our positive message, you say? We’re working on it. We’ll let you know after the election.
Good luck, guys!